Last week, I found a video store in Baltimore. Not a Blockbuster Video: that’s not a video store at all, you know that. No, I found a real video store, just stuffed with the greatest DVDs (the VHS selection was even better. I have to get a player).
Netflix is fantastic, it’s true. I adore it. But I’ve got about six movies sitting in the bottom section, waiting to become available. Three of them are Mexican Wrestling movies and the other ones are even less likely to be on Netflix’s high demand list. When I saw this video store and the people running it, I knew I was going to find what I needed.
The have regular, new releases there but it would be a waste to go in with anything in mind. This is the kind of place you browse until you come across something… special. And special found me over in the Japanese section…
Right off, I’m a bit scared. This is likely to be a little unsettling. The first thing that rears its head is a small, bald, I don’t know, Garbage Pail Kid-looking thing. Then credits over creepy-ass music.
The voice over, which I’m trying to read as I type, tells us the same prologue story as The Exorcist (except this movie’s from 1968) in that people working in the Middle East unearth a demon statue. And it sort of looks the same as the thing they dig up in The Exorcist: sort of eagle-y faced. The eagle-demon appears and starts wrecking havoc on nearby rocks to ironically bury the people who dug him up.
Cut to a toy boat (toy boat, toy boat) in heavy seas. Our Eagle Demon is menacing it.
Some traditionally-dressed fishers are headed in as the storm (which must mean Eagle Demon) approaches.
Eagle Demon shows up and menaces a Shogun guy. Shogun guy starts swinging his sword all over with no patience or control, which I’d always heard was sort of their specialty. Pretty shitty Shogun. Pointing his flaming Demon Stick at Shitty Shogun, Eagle Demon attacks and bites, apparently now occupying Shitty Shogun’s body. Which is dumb because now he’s got a damaged body with a bite taken out of it.
Now Shitty Shogun Eagle Demon comes home, kills his dog and starts trashing all of his house’s shrines which upsets everyone. When questioned, he flips out. He throws an urn at a guy and it goes in the pond, waking up a turtle duck man. TurDucMan sees that the Shitty Shogun is really Eagle Demon and watches, possibly in horror but you can’t really tell, as he bites and occupies another member of the household.
TurDucMan decides to fight SSED by spitting water at him, then being an idiot. I could already tell that this was not ever a proven tactic. SSED, furthermore known as Demon, uses a wooded beam to noogie him till his head sparks, then throws him out.
TurDucMan goes to get help from Shaky Umbrella with One Leg, Rubber Dick-Shaped Rock, Foxy Goth Worm, Stoned Creature, and the girl from The Ring. Stoned Creature produces some sort of reference guide to Japanese Apparitions and says this Demon isn’t in them, so TurDucMan’s got to be lying.
Back at the house, strange shit’s afoot as Eagle Demon kills the maid. I guess she wasn’t good enough to possess. A wise man tells us that Demon drinks blood to extend his life and that he doesn’t take over their bodies as much as he is just disguised as them, using their body to do so.
That’s stupid. It’s the same damn thing. Wise Guy is just being difficult and wants to be right all the time.
Wise Guy gives three candles, a charm, and a bow to someone. He’s got to wear the charm to not be detected as he places the candles around the room Demon is in. Which does something. Wise Guy asks Buddha to kill Demon, which is weird. That’s not usually Buddha’s thing. A candle blows out and Demon rips Wise Guy up. You gotta put candles in a weighted paper bag or a hurricane lamp or something, especially if its going out means you die.
Later, Demon and his crew go on the search for the blood of children and we meet Little Girl and Fat Brother. They run to the area where all the monsters are to ask them for help. There, TurDucMan is still pissed that no one believes him but he sees the kids and flips out.
I can’t take Foxy Goth Worm, man. She’s a fucking nightmare.
Wow, the Demon’s name is Damion, says the giant rat with the bloated stomach that is also a crystal ball…
So the six-pack of god-damn horror decides they’re going to believe TurDucMan and the kids. As the goons come looking for the kids, Rubber Dick-Shaped Rock swallows one guys leg. The girl from The Ring pops up (she’s got a face on the other side of her head, by the by) and frightens them all into running smack into Shaky Umbrella. Once again, Foxy Goth Worm is the worst. The goons get the hell out.
Later. some guards are hanging out, guarding, when one of them gets slapped by what may be tofu hanging from a string but I’ll tell you for sure in a minute. We’re almost at 45 minutes and I’m not sure about anything, really. Oh, it appears one guard was messing with the other and that really was tofu hanging from a string, but suddenly, like a sickness, Shaky Umbrella with One Leg is there and gone, making me come to terms that I will never be able to explain this movie to anyone outside of this review.
When a guard looks under a table, the girl from The Ring is under there, showing her horrible second face with a skinny arm for a nose.
This thing looks like a mask I saw at the Field Museum of Natural History when I was a kid. Thanks for bringing that back right before bed.
Another guard looks and she’s cute again.
This goes back and forth until they possibly die.
Demon has requested some sweet love from a household prisoner not realizing that it’s none other than Foxy Goth Worm.
He ties her into a knot and it’s scary. Stoned Creature tries something and fails. Rubber Dick-Shaped Rock comes in and does nothing. Shaky Umbrella fares no better…
All of our monsters run out and end up back in the woods.
Seems as though someone else has discovered that the demon exists. They have a sword fight and the monsters tune in on the rat’s belly-cam. They head over to assist, despite just having their asses handed to them. They get banished to the inside of a big jar. Good job.
Suddenly: Holy Sh!t! Demon’s got an arrow in his eye!
Demon leaves Shitty Shogun’s body and his daughter announces that everyone should be able to live in peace.
Later, Demon bites and possesses (sorry: disguises himself as) the new lord of the house. He’s easily identified by a constantly bleeding eye socket.
Shaky Umbrella and the girl from The Ring, who were not stupid enough to try to attack Demon a second time, find the others in the jar but can’t get them out just yet because of a spell.
They witness the newly bodied Demon and scare the hell out of Shitty Shogun’s daughter but not nearly as much as I would have thought since one’s a floating umbrella who slurps instead of talks and the other one’s got a long, skinny arm instead of a nose on the face on the back of her head.
Daughter frees the rest of the monsters who attack. The girl from The Ring is captured but TurDucMan saves her and gets set on fire. He jumps into his pond, which also is now on fire. The monsters get a beating for about five minutes until Demon splits into about 20 Demons.
But that’s okay ‘cause here comes Shaky Umbrella, leading a whole bunch more, hereto unseen,freaky monsters. The Battle of Helm’s Deep breaks out until Demon grows really big. Stoned Creature uses Shaky Umbrella to float up to Demon’s face and shove a stick into Demon’s good eye.
Daughter says that she’s almost positive that the monsters got rid of Demon and the guy next to her says it’ll probably never return. That’s looking at the bright side, I guess.
