Cobra

Welcome back, kids. Being as how my last review block was atrocious movies about the funny and tragic things that happen in relationships, it is kind of a relief to be wearing pants again. So here I go: The year is 1986 and Hollywood really, really wants us to know this. In 1986, we love guns, big blondes, ballad rock, and Sylvester Stallone who, at this time, is surfing on the wave of glory that was Rambo. You already know where we’re going tonight so let’s just head out…

 

 

Cobra 

Cover Features:

 Sylvester Stallone, chewing on a match, wearing huge aviator sunglasses and a tight black henley. He has a gun with a laser target on it.

This says that Cobra looks cool whilst he shoots you.

Tag Line:

Crime is a disease. Meet the cure.

 

One of the reviews says:

“…this film shows such contempt for the most basic American values embodied in the concept of a fair trial that Mr. Stallone no longer, even nominally, represents an ideology that is recognizably American…”

Nina Darnton, N.Y. Times

Wow. Lighten up. With a fabulously 80s name like Nina, I’d think you were the female embodiment of the decade:

But we’re not here to check out Nina, much less talk about her. We’re here to watch Cobra.

Ready, and…

Looks like we’ve got a little artistic intro here. A voice, his voice, tells us how many murders, robberies, and assaults take place within certain specified time periods. Sort of like, “There’s 856 stabbings every day,” and the like. We see he’s got an etching of a cobra on the handle of his .45 and then he shoots us for daring to listen to his crime stats. Then…

Suddenly, he’s on a motorcycle, while crazy guys clang axes together in time with the music. Judging from their tattoos and graffiti, they’re the Skull-With-Axes-Crossed-Behind-It Gang.

Okay. That led nowhere. But it was all through our opening credits.

Birds fly away when Supermarket Crazy rolls in. Even at the strip mall. He’s being a dick to everyone by running into their carts. Then, when Store Manager dares to ask him if he needs help, the guns come out. Supermarket Crazy is, you know, 80s crazy where he shoots everything but the people with a serious look on his face. He’s not 80s crazy where he’s from Eastern Europe and is heartlessly funny, shooting trusted assistants for minor transgressions. No, he’s straight up contorting-face-crazy. Now, no one is dead yet but you should know that Larry (and later Frank) from Hellraiser is our cop in charge of the scene. Which is weird because he was the psycho in Dirty Harry…

And then, because this situation is so terribly out of control, the call goes out…

For Cobra.

Actually, he says, “Call the Cobra,” which sounds sort of like listening to your mom say, “Search the Google.”

Right on schedule he enters our lives and, possibly, our hearts: Aviator glasses and a match in the corner of his mouth. Larry from Hellraiser explicitly states that he did not agree to calling the Cobra…

Cobra goes in and kind of cop-moves through the liquor department. The Supermarket Crazy says he’ll kill everyone because that’s the way of the new world. Then Cobra drinks a Coors. An 80s Coors. That’s fucking great.

You know, some people would say they want to travel back in time to tell off a teacher or to experience a real Christmas again. I would love to go back and eat and drink stuff. Because it’s different. That’s why they have Pepsi Throwback.

“Hey dirtbag, you’re a lousy shot. I don’t like lousy shots,” Cobra says from behind a shelf filled with all kinds of classic food and beverage graphics, “You wasted a kid for nothing. Now I think it’s time to waste you.”  I think so, also.

The Supermarket Crazy says, in a Hispanic accent, that he’s got a bomb but Cobra’s cool with this because he does not shop there. We then are shocked to discover that the Supermarket Crazy has been identified as the Disease but it’s actually okay because, as it turns out, Cobra himself is the Cure.

Cobra does not deal with psychos. He puts them away. Not ‘away’, like prison. Not ‘away’ like ‘in a manger’. ‘Away’ like shooting them 5 times. Next time I’m asked to put the laundry ‘away’, I will adhere to this definition then point to the DVD if any answers are required.

There won’t be.

The Girl Hostage is in shock. Well, she’s supposed to be but the actress looks more like she wants some of Sly’s Cure.

Cobra doesn’t like reporters. You know what? Neither do I. They never understand that that kid who got wasted in there didn’t have ‘rights’ when he was gunned down by some supermarket crazy. Thank God for Cobra.

Later, on the streets, some guys flip off Cobra. We’re two for two on the Hispanic bad guys. They do nothing when Cobra rips their shirts.

There’s a Working a Lot song playing. It’s sort of ‘Estefan’ but a little ‘Hard for Her Money’. Cobra cuts his pizza with scissors, then watches Christmas commercials play ironically as he cleans his guns.

Oh! That’s that Toys R Us one! I remember that!

But Christmas is over now as Cobra watches the news. You know, the news does not look like that anymore, I’m just here to tell you…

Wait, is that Kathy McFarland from WFLD-TV in 80s Chicagoland ? Jesus, I think it is!

Remind me to look that up, later.

Kathy McFarland tells us about the Night Slasher. He comes in the windows and… Wait a minute. Did you see what was on top of Cobra’s TV? There’s a rhinoceros figurine with a key around its horn. What the hell is that? Anyway, Kathy says he kills people with claw hammers. As Cobra hears this, he chambers a round.

Because the Night Slasher might be right there. In his house. Maybe.

A woman who might be Victoria Jackson is attacked and killed by the Axe Gang. No, actually, it’s not her.

Later at the morgue, Cobra suggests there might be more than one killer. I can’t remember how he comes to this conclusion but Larry from Hellraiser says Cobra needs to stay out of this. This is not Cobra’s specialty. As we leave the morgue, another cop mentions that Cobra’s on the ‘Zombie Squad’ and is then cool enough to explain it to a group of people who already know because, I mean, I didn’t know that the Zombie Squad took all the jobs that no one else wanted…

Cobra doesn’t like how cops have to play by bullshit rules and the killer doesn’t. To burn off some steam, he goes to the firing range. While he’s there, the Axe Gang is out hunting. They have a girl member now, a wide-eyed, accented, hissing girl. Hold On (To Your Vision) is probably the name of this song as a girl gets away from the Axes. It may be Hold On (To Your Dreams).

Typically Lesbian-Looking Cop is looking through police records because that’s what female police officers were/did in the 80s.

But she looks …familiar…

Larry from Hellraiser lets his men decide to call the Best.

Cobra’s assistant, who’s kind of like Pauly from Rocky states that he would love to punch a hole in Larry from Hellraiser to which Cobra states Pauly is too violent of a person.

That’s sort of like the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it Cobra? I mean, I saw you unload into that Supermarket Crazy and… oh. Yes: I see now.

Cobra and Pauly must comb the city; therefore, it is time for a montage of San Fran homeless, hookers, and some kind of robot thing.

I don’t know yet, but I’m pretty sure they’ll let us onto why we’re seeing shiny metal people amongst the dregs of reality while they’re editing to the phat beats. Suddenly, a 80s photo shoot that’s so very, very perfect reveals all. It’s like a moving Duran-Duran album cover. Cobra’s looking around while the Axes are sharpening implements. The song assures us that the singer will find his Angel (Of the City).

When the song (and the montage) ends, the photographer and the model walk out to her car. He assures her she could do better. He’d be sick to not want to sleep with her, he says. He just wants her to find happiness. What they find is the Axe Gang and that movie elevator never, ever opens when you’re being chased…

Oh! Damn! Rent-a-Cop smashed into a wall by a van!

Axes are hunting her but the police sirens sound from, like, ten miles away and they get out of there because those cops will be right there in at least eight minutes.

Model is in the hospital. Cobra and Pauly want to ask her questions but… they don’t look like cops. She decides to trust them. Cobra is very, very concerned for this hot model with the French accent, which is nice because most guys just want to sleep with her, you know. I mean, she doesn’t say it but… she doesn’t need to.

The Lesbian-Looking Cop from earlier? Yeah, she’s with the Axes. Thought so.

Lead Axe is our Night Stalker guy. He does that stare into nothing and tilt his head thing then cuts his finger to test the sharpness of his knife. God: that guy’s crazy or something… He’s cutting all his hair off with a straight razor. I’d never do that.

Turns out that since Cobra was on the job, he didn’t even notice how attractive the model was. He’s a stand up guy like that. Total dedication.

The Working (Too Hard) song is back. It’s clearly the “Cobra Heading Home for the Day” theme (from Cobra). He looks stuff up on computer that’s not nearly as retro-hilarious as I’d like to see, thank you. But that dot matrix printer sure is. Ha: Cobra’s got a lame printer.

Night Stalker Guy is heading into the hospital in janitor guise to do away with the model. That maid who’s sassing him has no idea how lucky she is that the elevator stopped on that floor.

Cobra has a picture of Reagan in his office. A big one. Axe Gang attacks and Cobra doesn’t really beat them up as much as he sort of gets out of the way while they hit things, to include pipes, walls, and each other. Now that he’s tipped off, he tears off for the hospital.

This is a great little scene here. Dark hospital, expendable nurse looking for an intruder. That’s classic. You don’t get that much anymore. Night Stalker does away with her and continues to hunt the model. Here’s another classic: put your ear to the door to see if he’s gone…

…then, suddenly…

The hospital chase is cut short by Model hitting the fire alarm. Whew. Good thinking.

Now, suddenly, Cobra’s all in trouble for some reason. He didn’t really do anything wrong. I mean, for what he’s capable of. They say he’s got an attitude. He admits to this being true but it’s just a little one.

Later, Cobra and Pauly decide to take Model to The Safe House. Little do they know that Lesbian-Looking Police Officer who has been assigned to this detail is the same Lesbian-Looking Police Officer who is in the Axe gang.

Out on the streets, the Heat is On. The pressure’s high as cars drive down the sidewalk, shotguns blast, and San Francisco’s curvy streets are dangerously hilly. Cobra hits that awesome emergency break that I wish I had that makes him spin around and able to shoot at the cars driving his way as he goes in reverse. They go to a parking garage, tear ass for a bit, and the music kicks up. Gunshots make cars explode but Cobra just drives through. We get a little of that awesome San Fran Leaping Car action that we all love …

…as they head for the Abandoned Industrial District where Cobra totally fucks up his car. He’s a little shaken and has strategicly placed blood by his eye but he pulls Model out of the car and, well, gets out somehow.

Cobra cannot seem to get his superiors to understand what he’s doing. He and Larry from Hellraiser get into a pissing match so Cobra and Model leave. I don’t really know why they let him take her with him after they kept saying how he almost got her killed.

We’re Feeling the Heat as our Good Guys drive ‘upstate’. She asks him why he and the other police fight. She can’t understand why the crazy people don’t get put away and he says you gotta tell that to the judge. They’re on a road trip now and she’s dressed as stereotypically French as she can be.

They all look like fugitives from the 50s. I didn’t make that up. They actually said it and it’s totally true.

Model confronts Cobra with his real name: Marion Cobretti. I suppose his parents could see what he’d grow into and they feared it. So they named him Marion. Or they thought he’d rest on his bad-ass sounding last name so they pulled a Boy Named Sue on him. Either way, I just looked up and Cobra’s walking around a roadside diner with a big plastic hamburger.

Her fries look gross. Ha! She’s eating French Fries! She asks him what he does to relax, if he ever gets involved. He asks, “With a woman?”

Good night, everybody!

Lesbian-Looking Police Officer is suspiciously calling from the diner phone which calls out the Axe Gang who are sort of like ninjas now, apparently.

Model goes to sleep that night in motel by the diner and Lesbian-Looking Police Officer is confronted by Cobra as she makes another call but thinks little enough of it to go on with business as usual. Later, as everyone prepares for sleep by chambering a round, we see the Axe-Cycles a-coming. It’s a quiet montage, really. Cobra is apparently putting together about 70 guns as Model looks at him. He says he can hear that her eyes are open. She asks him to come over to her bed and the music gets sort of duet-y, sort of Billy Ocean-y. Bill Medley-y. They move in for the kiss.

It appears to be dawn in the next jump cut and I don’t think they did anything. Cobra’s ready for all those motorcycles coming down the road, though. Model’s pretty chipper in a way that tells all of us she’s Satisfied. 80s Sexually Satisfied.

But in no time, the cycles are heard from far away as they rip through Small Town America and ride to the motel. Cobra shoots most of them off their motorcycles as Model screams. It’s kind of like an early Nintendo game in that the danger is coming in progressively predictable waves. Soon he’ll have to shoot them as they come through a hole in the… Oh, they’re there already, actually.

Both Model and Cobra are wearing blue jeans and black shirts. You guys going to the After Prom at Six Flags or what?

Fires are raging, Cobra’s yelling, grenades are thrown making motorcycles fly in the air. Model’s driving a truck from which Cobra’s shooting the foolhardy motorcyclists who dare to pursue them. There are a thousand of those guys. Oooo! That guy’s going under the truck. There’s a fiery car roadblock up there that they can bust through, so that’s cool.

Cobra grabs Model and they head for same orange groves that were in Chinatown, so this movie’s got class. Lesbian-Looking Police Officer pursues Model to the Factory With Lots of Dangerous, Moving Heavy Machinery. I predict that because no one likes Lesbian-Looking Police Officer, she will fall into fire somewhere in there. This factory appears to be producing nothing but sparks and lava, for the most part. Cobra makes it there and so does every other main player. One guy gets gasoline dumped on him and Cobra reads him his first Miranda right as he drops a match on him.

Lesbian-Looking Police Officer is shot by Cobra, which is lame. Night Slasher is looking for Model through the sparks and fire and Cobra’s looking for him. There’s a lot of giant hooks floating by and we call that ‘foreshadowing’. You can level-up your 80s Movie Skills by calling this kind of thing ahead of time…

The Night Slasher states that he is the future to which Cobra tells him that he’s actually history. As there’s a lot of gun pointing going on, the Night Slasher challenges Cobra, saying that cops can’t kill people, that he must be brought in. I do not believe that the Night Stalker understands who he is dealing with, here: this is where the law sops… and Cobra starts.

Lesbian-Looking Police Officer! I thought you were dead! She jumps Cobra and now we’ve got an old skool chain-and-knife fight going on. Cobra looks over at the molten lava coming out of a pipe and I’m pretty sure someone’s going in it. Oh, please let it be Lesbian-Looking Police Officer!

Cobra puts Night Stalker Guy on a hook, which is a +30 80s Movie Foreshadowing Level-up for me, and sends him to the fire.

Now we’re at the end, Larry from Hellraiser should now admit that he was wrong. But he’s all smarmy about all the carnage. So Cobra decks him and says no hard feelings. Model then calls Cobra ”Marion” to be funny and he stabs her six times then sets her body ablaze with the stream of fire that shoots from his cock.

By the way, it wasn’t until I was going taking the screenshots that I found this:

I think that’s close enough to be worth at least +50 80s Movie Level-up Points…

End of Reel

What I’ve Learned Here: The San Francisco Police Department has a special unit, called the Zombie Squad, which they call in when things get really rough. They may not be orthodox but they get the job done. I’ve also learned that I should always have a ‘Strike Anywhere’ match in my mouth because wouldn’t I feel like I was wasting an opportunity if my persuer were to be covered in gasoline? Answer: yes.